


If Onlys and Regrets

by writergirl3005



Category: Smallville
Genre: F/M, episode fic, rewritten fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22632262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writergirl3005/pseuds/writergirl3005
Summary: One year after Lois Lane's death, Clark reflects. Set during episode 9x09 - Pandora.
Relationships: Clark Kent/Lois Lane
Kudos: 12





	If Onlys and Regrets

Clark knew that everything that had happened was his fault. There were so many things he could have done, but he didn't. And now all he was left with was if onlys and regrets.

If only he still had the Legion ring.

If only he hadn't turned around when he heard Chloe yell out Lana's name.

If only he had told Lois how he felt.

If only he had been more decisive.

Lois and Jimmy would still be alive. Chloe and Oliver would not have been lost to him. The world would be in such a dire strait, controlled by the iron fist of Zod.

There was only one thing that brought him comfort now - his memories. He closed his eyes and thought back to the time when he had first revealed his secret to Lois.

__

_"So what if your signature move is driving a tractor," she said smiling, trying to reassure him. "I think int's adorable."_

__

_A muscle twitched in his jaw. He could do a whole lot more than just drive a tractor. He was so much better than Oliver Queen. And he was going to show Lois just what he can do._

__

_A smirk formed on his face. "You know Lois, I think it's time for you to meet the real Clark Kent."_

He remembered taking her to the roof of the Daily Planet and leaping to Oliver's penthouse from there. He also remembered what almost happened between himself and Lois. 

That memory brought mixed reactions from him. There were times he was angry that had let an opportunity to be close with Lois slip through his fingers. And at other times he was glad that nothing had happened. 

At that time, neither of them was ready to take that step, he knew that now. He was also glad that what would have been their first time wasn't tainted by red kryptonite or aphrodisiacs.

It caused him so much pain that he hadn't realised what was in front of him until it was almost too late. Everyone had pointed out the chemistry between himself and Lois.

Even Lana had, all those years ago. "The best ones always start out that way," she had said when he complained that he couldn't stand Lois.

How could have been so blind for so long?

Shaking his head, Clark brought up another memory - the time when he first met Lois.

__

_He stood up, facing away from her._

__

_"Are you okay?" she asked in concern. "What's your name?"_

__

_"I don't know," he said. It was fluttering at the edges of his mind, but he couldn't quite grasp it. He had a feeling it started with a K._

_The answer seemed to alarm the woman. "I need to get you to a hospital," she said, panic in her voice._

__

_"I'm fine," he replied. There was nothing wrong with him. Medical attention was unnecessary. He had more important things to do._

__

_"You just been hit by lightning, your stark naked and you don't even remember your own name," the woman said incredulously. "You have a fairly loose definition of fine."_

__

_He turned to face her, to once again reassure her that he needed no medical attention. There was nothing wrong with him. The words in his mouth died when he saw the wide-eyed look on the woman's face._

__

_A flush formed in her cheeks. "Look at his face," she muttered under her breath, not aware that he could easily hear her. She did her best to keep her eyes on his face, but her eyes travelled downwards._

__

_He wondered why humans had such issues with nudity. Perhaps it was merely a mark of their culture._

__

_"I have a blanket in the trunk," the woman said, trying to cover up her embarrassment._ _"Don't move. I'll be right back."_

__

_"Wait," he said, realising that the woman he failed to introduce herself. To be fair, she was preoccupied with other things, so he could let her lack of manners slide. "Who are you?"_

__

_"Lois. Lois Lane."_

It was the start of something new. Something wonderful. And he had failed to see it for what it was for so long. If he had met anyone else in that manner, Clark was sure that he would be faced with endless questions about it.

But Lois didn't. She sensed that it was something that Clark preferred not to talk about, and she didn't push. She hadn't even questioned him when he took him to the hospital. She had taken him under her wing and gave him the help he needed, no questions asked.

Just like how his parents had acted when they met.

Clark blinked back the tears that had formed at the corner of his eyes. He couldn't show any weakness. The Kandorians wouldn't hesitate to take any advantage. He wrapped his arms around himself and imagined that Lois was in his arms. Imagined that he could hear her heartbeat, smell the scent of the perfume she wore, hear the sound of her voice...

Wait, he could actually hear her voice and her heartbeat. He could actually smell her perfume. But it wasn't possible. It just wasn't. Lois had died a year ago there was no way-

He zeroed in on the commotion that was occurring in one corner of the barn. And to his shock, Lois was there, standing in front of Alia.

Clark made his way to her, walking as quickly as he dared, trying not to attract too much attention.

"I could eat thirty maple doughnuts," Lois said.

"You want food?" Alia demanded. "What do you have to trade?"

"Take this," he said, thrusting his father's watch at Alia. He wouldn't let Lois give up anything. 

"Smallville?" Lois whispered in shock.

He couldn't describe the lightness that filled him at hearing that nickname again. He had the feeling that if he had his powers, he would have been able to fly right then and there.

"It's all I have," he said.

Alia snatched it out of his hand.

"It's yours if you let her go," he continued. 

Alia examined the watch for a moment. "This will do. For now," she said and walked away.

Clark wouldn't think about the 'for now'. That was a problem to be handled on another day. All he could focus on was the fact that Lois was still alive and that she was in his arms. 

Nothing else mattered at that moment.

"I thought I lost you forever," he whispered.

"Clark thank god," Lois said in relief. 

"I can't believe that you're alive," said Clark. A part of him wondered if she was a hallucination, but she felt all too real in his arms. Besides, Alia had seen Lois as well. So she must be really here.

His memory, as incredible as it was could never do her justice. All he had in his memories was just the ghost of what Lois was. And holding her in his arms like this showed just how flawed his memories had been.

__

_She's real. And she's here,_ he thought.

"This dream got ten times brighter," said Lois, squeezing him tight.

"What do you mean dream?" he asked, shocked. She actually thought that this was a dream? Well, nightmare would be a more apt description, but what happened was all too real. " Lois, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you're not dreaming."

It took Lois a few seconds to process what he had said. She tilted her head to the side and said, "Clark, if this isn't a dream, then it's the worst nightmare I could ever imagine. Since when did the Kent family farm become a prison, and why would you give away the one thing of your dad's that meant so much to you?"

A shot of pain ran through his heart. Lois didn't know just how much she meant to him. It was one more thing for which he was responsible. Why couldn't he have told her? He would do anything, give away everything he had for her, even his life if it came down to it. "I did it for you," he whispered. 

She stared at him for a few seconds before questioning, "Okay, hold on. Explain about the wicked witch and the flying freaks. Have we been invaded by The Wizard of Oz?"

His worry only increased with each word Lois spoke. How could she not have known all of this? What had happened to her during the year she was missing? 

"More like another planet," he replied. Words could not describe how much it hurt him that it was his people who were responsible for such carnage.

"Aliens?" she questioned incredulously. He nodded.

"Clark, before I fought Tess, she went on and on about some orb - called it alien technology, said there was life inside of it. This invasion - Tess knew about it," finished Lois accusingly.

"Tess may have helped," he said. It was the understatement of the century. Tess was an integral part of Zod's army; she was part of the reason that Zod's reach had managed to extend as far as it did. But Clark knew that the majority of the blame lay at his feet. If only he had done things differently...

He shook his head. He needed to focus. He had to give Lois the information that she sought. 

"These aliens have their own leader. His name is Zod. I tried to fight him, but I made all the wrong choices-" his voice broke at this. "A lot of people died." Because of him. He may not have killed them, but he had their blood on his hands. He had failed in his duty to protect them.

"Please tell me Chloe wasn't one of them," Lois said in desperation.

He wished that he had a better answer for her. He hoped that he could say that Chloe was okay, but it would be a lie. Lois deserved the truth. "Lois, I don't know. After I thought I lost you, I went off on my own. I haven't talked to her in months." He dropped his gaze to the floor, ashamed of how he had treated one of his closest friends. He should have been there for Chloe. But in her hour of need, he had abandoned her.

"Months?" Lois asked, shocked.

"Lois, you vanished a year ago." How could she not know this? What had happened to her? But no matter what had, Clark knew that it was all his fault.

She shook her head. "No, I was just throwing down with Tess a few hours ago." He stared at her, uncomprehendingly. She paused before saying, "And then I grabbed that gold ring."

The pieces clicked into place. Lois was from the past. "The Legion ring?" he asked, before realising that Lois would not have any idea of what he was talking about. But it explained how he couldn't find her. "It must have brought you here. Do you still have it?" 

"Yes," she whispered, a smile on her face.

For the first time in a year, hope began to bloom in Clark's chest. If Lois had the Leigon ring, he would be able to send her back. She could tell his past self what she had learnt, and his past self would be able to stop Zod.

But the hope in his chest was smothered when he head Basqat's voice.

"You," called out Basqat, his gaze fixed on Lois. "General Zod would like to see you."

No good would come out of that meeting. He had to protect Lois with the best of his ability. There was no telling what Zod would do to her, especially if Zod came to know how much Lois meant to himself.

"Protect the ring," Clark told her. He tried to throw a punch at Basqat, despite knowing how fruitless it would be. But he had to try. 

Basqat easily blocked it and threw Clark on the table. Basqat grabbed Lois and roughly dragged her away. She struggled, trying to free herself from his iron grip, but she was unsuccessful. 

"Lois!" Clark yelled desperately, trying to run after them. But all to soon, they passed the fence and slammed the gate shut behind them. Clark clutched at the wires of the fence, staring helplessly as Basqat pulled Lois away. 

"Lois," he whispered, tears streaming down his cheeks. He had got her back only to lose her in the end. 

* * *

Zod's soldiers had dragged him to the Luthor Mansion. Clark knew why. This was the end of it all. He was going to die. But he felt oddly at peace with it. He had been dead inside for a year now after all. This just meant that was going to die in body, not just mind and spirit.

The only thing he worried about was Lois. He had to ensure that she was safe first. Then he would gladly accept death. Lois was smart and resourceful. She would survive, and she might even find a way to stop Zod. And if she still had the Leigon ring, she could go back and prevent all of this from happening.

So it did not matter how all of this ended as long as Lois was able to go back.

Lois was dragged into the room, her hands shackled in front of her. "Lois," he called out, reaching for her, but he was held back by Basqat.

"Let her go," he said. "Take my life and let her live!"

Lois couldn't die for his mistakes. So many people had already paid for what he had done. He won't let Lois be another one of them.

"Clark," Lois said, her voice strangled.

He felt horrible. He was always causing her pain. Dark Thursday. All the times that she had been attacked by the meteor-infected. Chloe's and Jimmy's wedding. Standing her up at the cafe. And now, this. She had to live with the trauma of seeing him die. Why couldn't he go for more than a few weeks without hurting her in some way?

Zod walked towards him, sword in hand. "Your bravery is commendable. But by defying me, you have forced my hand." Clark met Zod's gaze unflinchingly. He would not show any fear. He had to be strong for Lois. 

Zod nodded his head once. It was a signal, and Basqat forced Clark onto his knees.

Clark's eyes never left Zod's as Zod drew the sword from its sheath. "I wanted you to join me on this new Earth, but now I must bury you beneath it." He raised the sword ready to strike.

"No!" yelled Lois.

Suddenly, an arrow shot through the window, shattering it. The arrow impaled itself in one of the soldiers. Several people burst in and began attacking the soldiers. Clark immediately pulled Lois away, and placed themselves in a corner, away from the battle that was going on.

He only allowed himself to relax slightly once they were outside the line of fire. He looked up, his eyes meeting Zod's. They exchanged a look of hate before Zod and Faora supersped away.

Soon, it was all over. One of the attackers removed the scarf covering his face and turned to them. It was Oliver.

"Oliver," said Lois happily.

"Hey, Legs," he greeted her and unlocked the shackles on her wrist.

She hugged him and said, "Am I glad to see you and your band of merry men." 

Clark did his best to push the surge of jealousy that rose within him. He had no right to feel that way; he and Lois were just friends, there was nothing more between them, no matter how much he wished it to be. 

And if Lois did have lingering feelings for Oliver, she would be much better off with Oliver. Oliver would be so much better for her than a half-dead alien whose mistakes and error in judgement had caused so much pain and suffering.

"Not my band,” corrected Oliver.

"What?" Lois asked in shock.

"It's hers," said Oliver, indicating one of the masked figures.

The figure pulled off her scarf and removed her cap. It was Chloe. She was alive. For that, Clark was immensely glad.

"Chloe," said Lois happily and hugged her.

"I didn't think that I was ever going to see you again," said Chloe.

"You almost didn't. Those crazy space invaders almost killed us," said Lois. 

"Guess we owe you guys our lives," said Clark. Neither Chloe nor Oliver met his eyes. He pushed the sadness that rose in him back down. He shouldn't be upset by their avoidance. It was what he deserved for turning his back on them. 

Just then they heard a whimper.

It was Tess, still clinging to life despite the arrow sticking out of her abdomen. 

Oliver walked over to Tess and took her in his arms. 

"You were always a good shot," gasped Tess.

"I didn't do this to you," he said, stroking her face tenderly. "I didn't," he insisted.

"I know I did this to myself," said Tess. "It was a risk choosing Zod over my own people. Someone had to save the Earth. I couldn't give up on that." Her eyes fluttered close for the last time. 

Oliver held her tenderly, tears in his eyes, crying for the woman who had meant so much to him a long time ago.

He turned towards Chloe, who said in a matter of fact voice, "I had the shot. I had to take it."

Clark stared at Tess' lifeless body. _What a waste of life_ , he thought. He had come to know her a little better over the year. She wasn't truly evil, only misguided; searching so hard for a purpose in life, for a place to belong.

Chloe might have been the one to take the shot, but he knew that Tess' blood was on his hands as well. If it hadn't been for him, things wouldn't have turned out this way.

He only ever brought pain to the people in his life. The sooner he accepted that reality, the better.

* * *

They were in the building that used to house Watchtower. On one wall was a large banner, depicting a clenched fist with the words 'For Our World'. The room was lit by candles and oil lamps which provided just enough light to see by.

Chloe strode over to a table.

"We may have won the battle, but Zod will come back harder now," she said and unrolled a paper.

"Next time we take a stand," said Clark. "Lois vanished a year ago after she put on the Legion Ring."

Chloe turned towards Lois. "You time travelled here?"

"I'm pretty sure I didn't walk a whole year into the future, not in these heels," Lois quipped, trying to lighten the tense atmosphere. "The thing is, I lost the ring. That one-named wonder, Zod, took it."

"We need to get the ring back. Then Lois can return to the past and prevent Zod's tower from being built in the first place," said Clark, quickly thinking up a plan. That was their best option. What better way to prevent the end of the world than to stop it from occurring in the first place?

"That's not a bad plan Clark, but why should I trust you now?" Chloe strode towards him in anger. "You already left us once to fight on your own," she said, accusation in her eyes.

"You abandoned us big guy, plain and simple," said Oliver, standing behind Chloe lending her his support.

Clark wondered what Lois was thinking of all of this. How much had Chloe and Oliver explained to her? Or was she as much in the dark as she had been when she arrived?

He tried to defend himself from the accusations, even though he knew that he had no right to. "I thought I could stop Zod myself. I tried to take him on as my enemy, and I was wrong. But I'm here now."

He could tell that Oliver and Chloe weren't convinced. They still didn't completely trust him. But it didn't matter. He just needed enough of their trust to get the Legion ring back from Zod and use it to send Lois back.

It was then Lois intervened. "Okay, then, look. Why Clark decided to take on our enemy E.T.s by himself is beyond me." She placed herself in between Chloe and Clark. "And maybe you think he abandoned the cause or something. But come on - aren't we all in this together?"

Clark made one more attempt. "You guys shut down that tower and bring back the yellow sun, you know I'm your best chance of getting back that ring."

"Maybe," said Chloe, her arms crossed. "But I still don't trust you."

The very fact that she was even letting him help was a miracle. He should not hope for more, but he couldn't help but wish for it all the same.

"Well, I guess that's a start," said Lois. Clark wondered just what she was really thinking about all for this. "So, about the tower?" she added, obviously hoping for some sort of explanation for all of this.

"The towers are the key to the Kandorain's power," Chloe explained. "They collect all the sun's radiation, turn it red and then beam it back up to the LuthorCorp satellites."

Oliver took up the explanation, "The satellites take the radiation, and they beam it back down to Earth, giving those alien S.O.B.s all their superhuman strength. Now, we take the tower down, we shut them down."

"Guys, I've seen Zod's troops," Lois protested. "We are seriously outnumbered. We'd never reach it."

"We don't have to," said Chloe. "We have a secret weapon - Watchtower. I powered down Watchtower so the Kandorians couldn't find it, but I can use the computers to hack into Zod's big red flashlight and unleash a virus that should shut it off remotely."

"You guys bring back the yellow sun, and I'll take the others to find the Legion ring," promised Clark. 

But he had no intention of doing anything like that. He would go alone. No one else should be put into that kind of danger. He should be the only one to take a risk like that. He owed it to everyone after how badly he failed them.

"I just have one more question. How does turning the sun yellow make Clark our number-one draft pick for taking on this Zod guy?" asked Lois, the worry and fear evident in her voice.

No one met her eyes. Not a single one of them was willing to drop that bombshell on Lois. It would take much to explain, and they didn't have the time now.

"Zod and I have history," said Clark finally. The events of the day were just too much for him. He needed some time alone to think. He left the room as quickly as he could.

* * *

Clark washed his face with the water in the bowl. The more time he spent in the resistance base, the angrier he got with himself. Look at how these people are living, he snarled. You could have prevented all of this if you had just been more decisive. 

It was a wonder that none of the resistance fighters had done anything to him when they passed him. Clark supposed that it was because none of them actually knew what the Blur looked like. And not to mention the fact that the Blur was presumed dead.

A part of him was glad that he wouldn't have to face the recrimination and condemnation of the people he was supposed to protect.

Another part of him felt guilty. It was his choices that had lead to all of this. He needed to face the consequences of his actions; he shouldn't be let off the hook so easily.

Clark heard the door open and saw Lois enter the room. 

He wondered if Oliver and Chloe had told her about his origins and the part he had played in the current state of the world. He shoved the thought aside as soon as it entered his head. Neither of them would tell Lois; leaving it to him to break the news. 

They were much better friends than he ever deserved.

He picked up a piece of cloth to have something to do with his hands.

"You okay?" he asked, walking towards her. Idiot, he thought to himself as soon as the words left his mouth. Of course, she's not okay. She almost got killed, remember?

"Define okay," said Lois. Her voice was dazed as if she could hardly believe the events that had occurred. "So far today, I've travelled through time, fought off flying aliens and almost got my head chopped off." She closed the door and walked towards him. "But the one I can't believe, I can't believe you and Chloe aren't friends anymore."

"It's not her fault," he said and turned away from Lois. "I turned my back on her." He sighed. He needed to tell her this, needed to face her judgement. "Lois, after you disappeared, I couldn't - I couldn't be around Oliver or Chloe. They reminded me of you and that hurt too much."

He turned back to face her. "So, I left and trained myself to fight Zod."

Lois took a step closer. "Clark, what did you mean about having a history with him?"

He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat and prepared himself for her judgement. "Let's just say that I made some mistakes." He was too much of a coward to actually say the words out loud. But he knew Lois, and he knew that she wouldn't let this go until she had answers. 

But as always, Lois managed to surprise him. "Stop beating yourself up," she whispered and took a step closer. She was now close enough to touch him if she wanted to. "You're not alone in this. The truth is, we could all die tomorrow."

"Lois, I died when you left," he confessed and dropped his gaze, unable to meet her eyes.

She took one of his hands in hers and placed her other hand on his chest. He could feel the warmth of her. If he had any lingering doubts that she was real, they were banished in that moment. "I'm here now," she whispered reassuringly.

It was all too much. Seeing Lois again after a year, almost losing her for a second time, the feel on her skin on his. The emotions that coursed through him were too overwhelming; he couldn't do anything but give in to them. 

He stepped closer to Lois and kissed her with all the passion that he could muster.

The rest of the night passed in a blur of touches, sighs and pleasure. Lois was with him, right here, right now, and they were together making love. 

As the hours passed, he felt something - a spark that was lit when he saw Lois for the first time. Over the night, it became a raging inferno. He had once again, began to hope.

* * *

Everything had gone wrong. The sun was still red, there was no sign of the others, and he had been captured by Zod.

"I should have known you'd come after me," said Zod, dragging Clark along the pavement by his leg. "All to save a doomed race." The disdain was dripping from his voice. "When faced with a crumbling world, these humans, they'd rather die than unite under a single leader and do what's required to build a glorious new world!"

He let go of Clark, who let out a grunt of pain when his leg hit the pavement. 

Clark slowly tried to rise up. He managed to get to a half-lying position. Scanning the area, he spotted Lois hiding near a car. Hope rose in him once more. All is not lost. They still had a chance.

Thankfully, Zod hadn't spotted Lois. "It's tragic," Zod continued. "You thought you could take me on like this. Metropolis would not be destroyed if you all just stopped fighting and joined me."

Clark met Zod's eyes. "We'll never stop fighting Zod," he said forcefully. "Humanity will never lose its spirit." Clark tried to get to his feet, but Zod pushed him back to the ground with a light tap of his fingers.

When Zod turned away from Clark, Lois took her chance and slid the Kryptonite dagger towards him. The instant Clark's hands closed around the hilt of the dagger, Zod stepped on his hand. 

Clark screamed in pain as he felt the bones in his hand break.

Zod leaned down towards him and whispered, "Goodbye, son of Jor-El." Zod kicked Clark in the chest, and Clark was sent flying into a pile of debris. Everything went black for a short while.

An indeterminable amount of time later, Clark felt a tingling in his body. He knew this feeling very well. The yellow sun was back. Chloe had done it. 

The rays quickly healed any damage that Clark had sustained in the fight with Zod, and he got to his feet.

"Zod," he called out. He walked towards Zod. "Your reign of terror is over, Zod. I'm sending Lois home to the past. She can warn us about your tower before it's ever built."

"You chose to fight me!' Zod yelled. "You forced me to unleash my power! We could have made this planet a paradise!"

Clark grabbed the lapels of Zod's jacket. "It always was," said Clark. "But you never gave humanity a chance." He tore the ring away from Zod's finger.

Zod's face twisted into a smirk. "They've made you weak," he said.

There was a sharp pain in Clark's abdomen. The Kryptonite dagger! How could he have forgotten about it?

The pain of the Kryptonite exposure combined with his stab wound was agonising. It took everything that Clark had not to collapse to his knees.

"If she travels back in time the lives we know will cease to exist," said Zod, twisting the dagger. "You destroyed our world."

Clark used the last of his strength to shove Zod into the side of the van. 

He collapsed to the ground grunting in pain. He pulled the dagger out and tossed it aside. It wasn't far enough. And combined with the stab wound...

Clark knew then and there that he didn't have much time left. 

He saw Lois running towards him, fear and concern on her face. "Clark!" she yelled, kneeling down beside him.

"Take the ring, put it on," he whispered. Everything will be alright now. Lois would go back, she would warn everyone about Zod's tower so that they would be able to stop Zod in time and hopefully, his past self would see this amazing woman in a romantic light. 

And most of all, Lois would be safe.

"No," she said in a strangled voice.

"You have to, now," he insisted.

"What if I never see you again?" she asked worriedly.

"You will," he reassured her and slipped the ring on her finger. Lois disappeared in a flash of light. 

Even as the life slipped from him and his vision swam, Clark had a smile on his face. Lois was safe. And that was all that mattered.


End file.
